Are Your Leggings Making You Fat?

*For a curated soundtrack click here.

It was Friday night. I had not been out in what seemed like an eternity, and I was actually looking forward to it, at least initially.

As I got ready with my wine, I listened to Beyonce in an attempt to channel my inner queen bae.

…And then it f-ing happened.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by something so insidious that I couldn't see it coming. In fact, it caused me so much angst and frustration that I didn’t even want to go out anymore.

I approached my closet kinda nervous. This happens when I haven’t gone out for a substantial amount of time, and I have to find an outfit to wear. I looked at my jeans, and they looked back at me and said, “not tonight babe.” You know that feeling…a premonition where if you decide to put jeans on, they might feel a lil snug.

I picked out the jeans of least resistance — the ones I knew fit.

UNTIL TONIGHT.

OMFG.

They don’t fit.

Snoop summing up my feelings concisely.

Jeans, by nature, are tight, we know this, but you also know the difference between tight and TIIIGGGHHTTT. You feel it in your thighs — that extra pull, that extra tug, literally bursting out the seams. You feel it in your waist; that muffin top just got a little bit more muffin topppyyy.

I cannot believe this term is in the dictionary.

As soon as I reached the zipper, I started jumping up and down like a kangaroo. Suddenly a vivid memory of myself as a sophomore in college at a Kappa Sig frat party jumping up and down to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” infiltrated my brain.

Shitty bagpipes from House of Pain’s shitty song.

“everybody jump”

“jump, jump, jump”

Someone, please sign me up for a Plyometrics class. I can’t stop jumping and my jeans are still not cooperating with me.

Next up I tried doing a yoga pose that also doubles as a stretching technique to loosen jeans until you rip the thigh (did that in college, really good for the ego). It’s called Warrior 2; only I was not feeling like a goddess warrior, I was feeling like a busted can of biscuits.

Get your yoga class done while trying on jeans!

Can we talk about how good these are though?

The only valid conclusion I could come up with as to why my jeans were so tight was because they were dried on high — which speaks more to my mental state than an explanation for my jeans not fitting.

I realized I had to have a come-to Jesus after tending to the flesh wound caused by the zipper getting stuck on my skin (aka fat roll) while trying to suck it in. “Marcella, sweetie, you have gained weight. Your jeans no longer fit.”

“F****kkkkkkkk!!!!!”

I thought.

How did this happen? Are you telling me I can’t have a bottle of wine every night to deal with this shitshow world we are living in, followed by a late-night snack-turned meal at Taco Bell?

And then it f-ing occurred to me.

It’s not the wine, or the Mexican Pizza. It is…. but hear me out. There is something much more cryptic at work here, something that just flies under the radar, something you never think about until it’s too late.

OMFG.

IT’S MY LEGGINGS!!!

My leggings are making me fat!

I wear my leggings nearly every day. And, when you wear anything with an elastic waistband continuously without doing a literal gut check, you may not realize that you're gaining weight over time. Good leggings suck you in like a pancake, but they also make you DELUSIONAL.

As if the jeans not fitting weren’t enough, I had to get on the scale to confirm. Bad idea. Bad. I had gained 11 pounds.

Thankfully, I have come up with a solution!

DENIM DAY.

Your jeans are your friend. They will remind you that “ohhh wait a second honeyyyyy” (said in your best Jonathan from Queer Eye voice).

Jonathan reminding you no more wine honnnnneeeyyyyyyy!

One day a week is designated as

DENIM DAY.

Not Spanx denim jeggings or anything with an elastic waistband. JEANS, with an actual button and zipper.

On your designated day of the week, wear your favorite jeans and a sexy top, and own how fab you are. You can then thank those jeans for making you think twice about drinking one more glass of wine.

Your reward for the most uncomfortable day of the week: you’ll no longer worry about that bumble blind date, or night out with the hubs or girls’ night out where you put on jeans and have to squat like you’re in an Olympic weightlifting competition to get them over your muffin top; instead, you will simply slide those skinny jeans on and cheers to your cute ass self cuz you can still fit into those jeans!